Peaches & Cream

عيد ميلاد سعيد؟

تعثرت بواقع اشبه بالخيال. اطلقني من فوهة رسوم متحركة، وبعثرني كذرات فقدت تجاذبها فضاعت في الخلاء. أوثقت عقدا مع الشيطان حين ارتضيت احلامي مقابلا لاستئثاري؟ واي احلام. و اي ايثار. لم اعد ادر ما املك وما اتخيله ملكا لي. أأنت فعلا هاهنا؟ أأنت فعلا لي؟ روحا وجسدا وعقلا؟ ام اني ارتضيت الجسد وتوقفت لأوشوش في سر الشيطان؟

حسنا، انتهى الامر. لن الف وادور بعد الان. لن استعين بصور بلاغية قد تعني مئة شيء وشيء. سأكتب بكل صراحة، وسأحكي قصة يومي وقصة زوجي. كان امس يوم ميلاد زوجي، وكنت قد جهزت له سابقا ساعة يد سوداء تتوسطها جمجمة فضية تعكس الألوان المحيطة. وفي الصباح الباكر، وبعد افطار من فطيرة دونات محلاة بشمعة، قدمت له الساعة قبيل ان يذهب الى العمل، حتى تكون له شعاع من الفرح في وسط اليوم الطويل، وحتى يتذكر يوم ميلاده ويتذكرني كلما رنى بصره اليها. ونجحت الخطة، كان يومه العملي من تلك الايام السخيفة التي لاينتهي فيها العمل، ولاسبيل لارضاء مدير حتى لو قُدم له القمر، ولابصيصٌ من العقل ليخفف حدة غباء العاملين. ولكن الساعة الهمته الصبر، ورسمت على محياه بسمة كلما نظر اليها، وأنسته ولو لثوان ثقل ساعات العمل. وعندما فتح حقيبة الغداء كان بها كعكة صغيرة تتوسطها شمعة، وكرت معايدة صغير، يسر اليه كم احبه وكم اتشوق لاستقبال المزيد من السنين في احضان حبنا. كما اني حرصت ان اكون معه من مكاني في البيت طوال اليوم، حيث بحثت عن اطرف النكات عن أعياد الميلاد وبعثتها له بين وقت وآخر حتى اضحكه وارفه عنه.

وفي المساء عندما عاد اخيرا الى المنزل، تعبا وهلكا ولكن سعيدا، كنت مستعدة لاستقبالة في صالتنا الصغيرة وقد نورتها الشموع. بجانب مائدة تزدانها جورية حمراء، وتحمل طبقه المفضل من الطعام، احضرته خصيصا من مطعمة المفضل. وكان شعري معطرا ومصففا، تلامعت خصلاته البنية وهي تلعب حول وجهي. وعلى جيدي تهدل ثوب اسود وزهري، من المفضلين على ذوقه، والمثيرين لغريزته. أما في الخلفية فتهامست انغام من الأوتار الموسيقية اللعوب، تتمايل على اسماعنا برقة عذبة، و تتضاحك كصبية خجول في حضرة عاشق.

جلست وحبيبي في هذا الجو الي وليمتنا الرومانسية الصغيرة، نتناظر ونتسامر من فوق أطباقنا. اختياري لخيوط الباستا المطبوخة بلحم البولونيز كان موفقا، حيث التهم طبقه وجزء من طبقي بشهية واستحسان، وعكست الشموع لآلئ الرضا في أعماق عينيه الذهبيتين. رنى الي بحب وحنان، وشكرني على أحلى عيد ميلاد. اخبرني كم يحبني وكم اعني له، قبل ان يأخذني في احضانه لفترة سرية، توقفت فيها الساعة السوداء خجلة، لتمهلنا مهلة مقدسة، يتناسانا فيها الوقت ويغض البصر عنها الزمن. ولو انتهى اليوم هنا، لكانت خاتمتها مسك وكفى.

ولكن شاء الحظ للأسف، ان يجدني بعد قليل أكتشف شيئا اثار حفيظتي واغضبني، ولم استطع ان ادفن مشاعري وهي في اوج الغليان. واجهته، وافضيت له بما جال في صدري، فانزعج مني، جرحت مشاعره دون قصد ونفر. اصطدمنا هنا بأحد الأمور التي لا تتفق بيئاتنا وبرمجة تقاليدنا عليها، انه صراع حضاري أكبر منا. حيث أنا أري خطأ كبيرا جائرا، هو يري أمر طبيعي، موجود في سرية كل انسان. ليست هذه المرة الأولى، مررنا بهكذا أمور من قبل. في أكثر المرات أراجع نفسي ويغلبني حبي له وثقتي، التي أعتبرها مبدأ أعتز به ومنهاج أسير عليه. تغاضيت كثيرا عن أمور لا تتفق تربيتنا عليها، واقنعت نفسي بأن اوسع مداركي وأن أعامل كما احب ان اعامَل، فهاهو يبدي تفهما كبيرا لاختلافاتنا. وانا ارتضيت ان اتخذ من اجنبي زوجا لكثرة أوجه التشابه بيننا، ولابد لي أن أكون مستعدة لأوجه الاختلاف. في كثير من الأوقات أجده فعلا على حق، ولا أسمح لعقليتي العربية ان تقف بيننا. أحيانا نحن العرب نعاني من ضيق نطاق البصر. لكن اغلب الأوقات لم تكن كهذه اللحظة. هذه المرة كنت واثقة دون أدنى شك من صواب رأيي وأبيت ألا أتفق لمجرد الاتفاق. صدم هو بما يراه لايستحق الصدام. واختلف الحبيبان، واشتق التوتر لنفسه خرقا متعجرفا في ثوب الوئام الرقيق.

ان سمح لي التعبير، بعيدا عن ان تكون خاتمتها مسك، كانت خاتمتها زفت. اتهمني بظلمه وبافساد يوم ميلاده، وساءلني اما استطعت الانتظار حتى اليوم التالي؟ في الحقيقة، لا. اجتاحتني المشاعر بقوة بحيث لم استطع كتمانها. لست بممثلة بارعة. بل حتى اني لا استطيع التمثيل على الاطلاق! وانتهى به الامر ليذهب الى النوم، بعدما مد لي يد صلح وليد ركيك، وقبلتها لأحافظ على السلام وعلى البقية الباقية من يوم ميلاده. وحينما استسلم هو لملك النوم، قمت من مكاني والدموع تعمي بصيرتي، الى أين لم أكن أدري.

كانت الخواطر والأفكار تعصف برأسي الى ان اخذ في الدوران والتساؤل. أأنا على خطأ عندما اصر على حقي في الاعتراض؟ أأنا على خطأ عندما أرفض الخضوع لما أراه بعيد عن الصواب؟ اغضبني انفعاله. اغضبني انه لم يستطع ان يرى جانبي من المعادلة. اغضبني وجرحني اتهامة لي بافساد يومه بعد كل ما قمت به لأجله. وأكثر من ذلك كله، اغضبني منه ومن نفسي احساس دفين بأنه على حق، وبأني فعلا افسدت ذلك اليوم. نسى غضبي السخيف خلافنا، نسى ايماني بأنني على صواب، وركز على أني افسدت يومه وفشلت في اسعاده.

فهل ياترى وثقت عقدا مع الشيطان، حين ارتضيت تحقيق احلامي بالحب مقابل استئثاري بحبيب كامل؟ ايملك احد حبيبا كاملا اصلا؟ هل هو فعلا لي قلبا وقالبا وان اختلفنا؟ أم أني وشوشت في أذن الشيطان أن يأتيني بجزء من حبيب مقابل جزء من قناعاتي؟ يالهذا الواقع الغريب الذي دمج بين أحلامي وبين كوابيسي!

posted by Peach @ 7:07 PM 0 comments

The Gay & The Homophobe

Two of my best & most treasured friends are a proud & loud gay, and a complete & utter homophobe. Out of necessity, since they both like to hang out with me, they find themselves together a lot. She couldn't stand being in the same room with him, but she put up with it for me, he is so sweet, oblivious & did not know how she felt about him. I knew, but always ignored her discomfort, after numerous direct confrontations with her about her homophobia brought no results. Then he found out from another friend that she didn't like him, and asked me about it, I explained to him that it's not him she doesn't like, it's the whole idea of being gay that she couldn't accept.

One day, they were both with me, and I had to leave them alone for a while. When I came back, I found the two sitting together & chatting like old friends! I didn't think much of it, because he is really an adorable guy & I knew he would win her over sooner or later. What I didn't expect was how he did it. Later he told me, that he opened the conversation with her by saying: "Listen, I know you are uncomfortable with me & can't accept what I am, but I want you to know, it's ok, you haven't been exposed to the idea & you are entitled to your own opinion about it". She then opened up to him & explained how she felt about him being gay & how it was not personal. And so on the conversation continued.

After that, they both felt better, and they became good friends, and even though she still has a problem with the gay idea, she has taken a small step in the way of acceptance & no longer has a problem with gay persons, in fact, she says she has a new respect for him & likes him a lot.

When he told me the story I said: " You know, there is no other person in this world like you!". I mean, think about it, what he was telling her basically is that she has a right to her own opinion even if it's for her to hate & not accept everything that he stands for, everything that he is!! And by his accepting her as she is, he gained her acceptance of him!

I can't help but feel there is a moral for US in this story, instead of fighting & feeling bitter about those around us whom we feel are ignorant, like many of us do (me for one!), what if we accepted that we are unaccepted & simply set out to change the world one atheiophobe at a time? By inducing one good feeling at a time, and one acceptance & respect gained at a time! If I hadn't seen it with my own eyes, I wouldn't have believed it possible. Thank you my darling gay friend for teaching me this valuable lesson :))

posted by Peach @ 6:36 PM 0 comments

My Paradigm

The weather & view were so inspiring today, that on my way home after dropping my darling off to work, so early it was still dark, I couldn't resist going for a long highway drive. I wished I had a camera to share with you the beauty of all that I saw, I wished I could have taken a snap shot of my point of view, my vantage point, to show you, all that keeps my heart tethered to this land of ours despite the vanity of its people. But if I had a camera, I doubt that I would have been able to capture the magnificent detail of everything, instead I thought I'd take my best shot at describing it, and hope that I could give it some of the justice it deserves.

So as I set out singing along while Craig David blasted out of my stereo (sue me!) a vast sky of deep indigo greeted my eyes, stretching as far as I could see, relaxing over the spacious & dark desert land bellow. Dark clouds blanketed all in fragmented waves while a lone star still resisting day break, peeked out brightly like a smile from behind. I cranked open my window to get a better view of those beautiful cottony clouds & a cold, fresh wind rushed into the car brushing my face & embracing me, chilling my skin into goose bumps, jolting my still sleepy senses into wide eyed wonder & alertness & filling my lungs with life & coolness. Most of this part of the drive I spent pulling on the steering wheel as I leaned forward to better stare at that beautiful sky, I just couldn't get enough, I wanted to pack up all the sensations evoked in me in a bottle & take it home to stare some more.

When I finally decided to head back, I stopped at a traffic light with a few buses full of workers, I could no longer sing at the top of my voice (singing along to stuff while I drive is a silly hobby of mine :p) and I really liked the song that was up next so I stopped it & waited patiently for the traffic light to turn green. That turned out to be a good thing (and I'm not just saying this because I like to see the bright side in everything), because as I listened to the quite sounds of early morning, I looked over to my left & saw a few leafless trees, their dead branches pointing every which way, and among them a proud little tree (between a shrub & a tree really) still holding on to clusters of shy, tiny leaves, lush & green, swaying in all the directions of the wind & pointing up to the sky as if to say, we are small but strong, we are still here. Three birds flew swiftly by, greeting the tree & the newborn day. And as I sat there transfixed & mesmerized by the magnificence of something that seems so small, those magical little leaves sang a song of their own, the situation called for absolute reverence & silence. When the traffic light finally turned green I had to give myself a little shake to get back into action. By this time the sky was a little brighter, a soft & dark baby blue & the deep pink hues of dawn were just starting to creep above the trees & roof tops, but after that almost holly pause in time, shared with the little-big tree, I was feeling more meditative & reflective, I didn't sing much, but my heart was content nevertheless :)

When I reached home those cottony clouds were an absolute bright & happy rosy pink like a sassy girls lip gloss, and the sky was the kind of soft blue you dress newborn boys in, as for the lone star it had finally given up & gone to sleep. Sweet dreams lone star and good morning beautiful new day :)

posted by Peach @ 6:25 PM 0 comments

The Veggies Aisle - Joy in My Quit

There was a post the other day on quitnet about how you reach for the joy in your quit. Up until then, I hadn't thought about that, every time I quit before I did, but this time it was getting old & I was tired of falling off the wagon, so my only focus was just not smoking. And reading all the beautiful replies I realized I was missing out by treating my quit like an old thing I wanted to get over with. I thought about it & found that the only joy thus far was pride in actually being quit, it is the greatest feeling & I am very happy about it. Nevertheless, I decided to look for more specific joys in my quit, then I got busy & I forgot.

Until about yesterday when I went to the supermarket & was walking down the veggies aisle. So I'm idly walking by, not really thinking of much, past the lettuce, the cabbage, the cucumbers, the apples and so on, then I stop, & start sniffing!! I smell something absolutely wonderful!! and it's very familiar .. I'm like .. what is that scent!! I look around in puzzlement then I'm hit by an AHA moment .. and I look to my left .. The Apples!! I can smell apples just walking by them!! I wasn't even close & the smell was all around me!! In bewilderment I walked up to them & started picking up apple after apple & sniffing them to the stares of shoppers, & in my head I'm cackling & laughing madly with joy, almost hyperventilating and shouting I CAN SMELL APPLES!!

Joy in my quit?!! I can smell apples just walking by them :)) I have a super nose .. something I've always had but stupidly flung away in a haze of smoke!!

I love you my super nose. I love you my quit. I love you my apples :D

D10
PS: of course, I bought apples ;)

posted by Peach @ 2:55 AM 0 comments

ki7 ki7

posted by Peach @ 5:12 PM 2 comments

Delerium - Terra Firma

posted by Peach @ 12:44 AM 16 comments

Beyond Me

posted by Peach @ 9:56 PM 4 comments

Honestly,

posted by Peach @ 5:43 AM 3 comments

Reader BeWare !!

posted by Peach @ 6:32 AM 5 comments