Peaches & Cream

I keep wanting to talk to you
I keep having conversations with you in my mind
I keep making mental notes to call you today.
But I never get around to it somehow
I could never find a time that seems just right

I need to say something to you, that I think you will understand. The reason I ebb & go in and out of your life like a careless wave. It isn’t that I am so cruel or even careless. The fact is; I’m still trying to figure things out …

I know you are too, most of us are. And sometimes I find I need to go through extreme states in order to emerge at the other end with an understanding. Sometimes I don’t feel like I fit into my skin! Like some force in the middle of my chest wants to reach out to the sky.

At other times, I feel I want to lie on the ground forever & dissolve into the earth.
I go through all kinds of feelings, thoughts, ideas & I even develop some of my own. I conduct various eccentric researches out of pure curiosity. My own dad has only recently started to realize what twisted intelligence his daughter has.

I tend to close in on myself in recluse as if in hiding or hibernation. Most of the time I find it hard to speak, it seems the more I go through the more immobile & heavy my tongue becomes.

But I am sad, that I find it hard to talk to you in particular. & I shouldn’t have to feel this way!

I love talking to you.
I love knowing you!

In a surreal way; you & I could be the same person in two different settings & life stories.

What we have in common. Is .,
Brains.

& an infinite kindness ..

We also share something else,
We have the same heart,
Thought we are two different persons.

And just like I sometimes feel that I am drowning, I sometimes get the feeling that I need to reach out to grab your hand & pull you out. Trouble is, I don’t know what it is I’m supposed to be pulling you out from!

Also;
I’m not sure I have the strength.

Remember that chat we had about strength? ;)

I love how I can talk to you about those things that only you would know how to talk about… Only you would know exactly what I mean.

& you give me such great insights ..
& sometimes I don’t think you realize it!

I want to show you something …

Open the attachment now.

I love looking at your face. You have the face of angels. I don’t like looking at myself next to you, but I’m learning to. & I love our closeness ;) it brings me comfort.

The candles are strawberry & melon. The duck I’ve had since collage. The brown box & red file contain various papers, pictures & artifacts, memories of my life. The pink album; contains all my precious picture; childhood, siblings, family, friends & of course you & Maryoma ;)

As for that old glittery red chest; it contains all your greeting cards, notes, mini letters, the remains of a silver blue ring, ribbons, stickers, letters to the states & even an empty envelope, the address in your hand writing.

Did you know that you are the person in my life who has written to me the most & said the sweetest things ever! ;))
You said it was mostly cuz I was me. and you like me!

The box also contains other bits & pieces; tickets to shows & trips I’ve been on with my brother, whom I miss so much right now & our arm bands from a concert we went to, our last adventure together.

There is also a pacifier in the box it was bought in. I don’t remember when I bought it. I might have been 19. I bought it because I wanted to keep it for the baby I would someday have.
It is still kept ;)

Life is funny. It has a way of sweeping us off our feet. & if we open our eyes & hearts. If we take it head on in spite of our fear.
We might just see something.
& we might come out wiser & a little bit smarter.

It may not always please those who care for us. They may not always understand. But it is the only way we will know to be sane & healthy in heart & mind. It is the only way we will know how to live.

We are not really ignorant. We know exactly how to create the harmony we feel is lacking. But most of the time our courage to pursue it is limited, by whatever reasons.

Still, it’s all a great big lesson. Man is a student from the point of his existence until the long sleep takes him. & who knows what lies beyond!

Sooner or later we all see what we came to life to see & we will all know what was lying ahead.

The question is;
How much are we willing to contribute now to have a say in the blue print of tomorrow?
And ..
What kind of understanding would we like to have …

A while ago, I found something that I had lost for a long time & did not know if I would get it back. My writing pen! And I am so grateful for it. it has enabled me to write you that letter I told you once I would like to write.
Doesn’t matter weather what I say makes much sense or not.
What matters is that I finally found the courage to say it to you ;)

I miss this.

I am glad Duchess, that I am sharing myself with you
I would love to share you back ..

F! Reach beneath the exterior, beyond circumstances & fear, into your warm beating heart. And tell me how you feel about your existence!

Show me your hopes, loves & trusts ..
Show me an individuals understanding.


PS: Salamat. U sound extremely cute .. but I had trouble understanding you ;P
Watch this .. hope she cheers you up even if you have trouble understanding her ;)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDq-E708lHU